Making choices

We always have a choice. It depends on us , and only us, whether we make the right one.

The right one …. Hmm … the word right itself is so incorrect and unfair. Its so relative that if you think from three different views , three different “ rights” emerge.

So to make the right choice , we have to choose the right point of view, align ourselves in the right direction. Wow !! another “ right “ we are left to decide on our own.

I guess that is why we are so dependant on media. We like our decisions to be taken by others. We like to be told, “this is the right soap “ , “ this is the right political view “ etc. etc. Perhaps we mundane people prefer to be told what is right.

That is cool ! we are so good at fooling ourselves. We tell ourselves “ I made the right choice today” , but in all reality that choice was some one else’s and we simply adopted it.

When are we going to get out of or own misconceptions? When we stumble upon a lone person blabbering in his blog ? Nope. It’s going to take time. But I am trying to do it .

You should do it too ! trust me … its fun !!

i had a conversation with an individual the other day about work and " lyadh". i liked that conversation as well as the individual( as a whole).

anyways give me comments ok ??

Of mirrors and lust

Only those who have gone down the rabbit hole have the courage to hold themselves up in front of mirrors.

At the end of the day , when everyone has gone to sleep but you are still wide awake and you stare blankly , u cannot run away. You have to stand in your own mirror and judge , the small things which nobody saw but you did.

You try to justify your actions and you put forward ridiculous claims “others were there” or “I am just a kid I cant do that” or anything which apparently makes u feel guilt free even though you are at fault.

At this exact time u learn to introspect and realise what your actions really meant to do. Why did u do that ? U come to know of it . And the problem is , the truth is often not a very pleasant thing.

You didn’t want to help the old man, you just got up to show the pretty girl on the opposite bench how civic you are!!

Even though you thought you are doing a good deed , now when u think about it , you have actually succumbed to material desires , you have just tried to impress some one , in order to make that person like you. Respect is not such a cheap thing that u can just earn it in a matter of moments. Mutual respect is an even arduous task to achieve.

But useless self criticising is not going to help. All you ever wanted was that someone to truly love you. And now when the rain starts falling and boundaries are breaking you really do not know what to do but submit to whatever your lust speaks. Love or lust ? you keep pondering in your self created mirror in a dark room at two in the morning. But does the reflection give you a clue ? is there a clear reflection ? is there a reflection ? at all ??

Its easy to say “I think its love” , but its easier to say “I think I am in lust”. Lust for what ? is the next question . Physical, material needs ? Do not underestimate your lust. The human body is not the final frontier of your lust. What you have is a lust for LIFE.

For life ?? Lust for life ? What does that mean ? I know you have questions. Do not worry you just haven’t thought enough so you have questions. You love this life of yours. You love the people around you . Even though u think you want the world to part and u get into the crevice , you will run away from an earthquake . you want to live . you want to enjoy. Don’t think about refined thoughts , leave them for forsaken individuals. You are still not forsaken. At least I am there for you !

Start breathing slowly . but deeply. Do it ! Take 3 deep breaths.

1

2

3…..

Close your eyes now. Drown in the lust . in your own lust. Let it ensnare your senses . feel it around u like the invisible ether … I am doing that too….

Update

Firstly apologies for such a late post. Actually I have been caught up with work so much that I didn’t have the time or rather the energy to add to my blog. A general update ..

1. I am 19 officially now !
2. I am working quite hard for my college fresher
3. I have found a new zeal for football: I am playing that everyday.

Besides that , I have also found an e-mail friend by the name of Mandy Chen from China ( yes c-h-i-n-a ). She is 23 and she studies pedagogy . we exchange e-mails and pictures. She is quite cool, though a total nerd like me.

Calcutta Bus Guide

GUIDE TO

FIRST GETTING ON THE VINTAGE CROWDED PUBLIC BUS

U have a bag on your shoulders. But it feels really light and of no purpose other than to show everyone that u are going to college (or school, or office ). Some days , your head starts reeling and u feel as if u haven’t swallowed everything which was given to u during your ill-timed lunch ( because 10 am is not a time for lunch, people !) if u are lucky and have a caring mom( or even more caring wife ) at home , a very hot Tiffin box is certainly packed in your bag . touching your bag in the wrong place can make the impostor’s hands burn ! “ bag thief repellent food” ….. fancy !!

So u r staring at the signal , and u beg it to become green so that the buses come pouring in. and all this while u r standing under a tree trying to dodge crow shit or u are close to getting boiled alive when u were standing at a hot bus stand … having an advertisement of a semi-naked model sporting gold ornaments. U stare at her and envy her … even you wish u were semi-naked in the heat.

U have done it again ! thought so much that u have lost track of when the buses had started pouring in one-by-one at your feet … literally to sweep u off your feet, or squish u if u are not alert enough. U dodge the buses , while at the same time you keep your eyes open for that one magic number which you are looking for. In due time you see that magic number on a bus , and start running towards it. But what is this ! everyone who were standing beside you in the stand , all of them start running at the same bus ! is this some joke ? same bus …all of these people !

You do not think, you have much more important things , like getting on the bus for a change! Even though you manage to run to the bus , you are dismayed because the bus is already full … well at least to the maximum capacity it is equipped to handle. But if people will hang out of the bus with nothing but one and a half feet on the foot board and claim that they are riding the bus !! its capacity does increase. You also do the same … you get on the bus , I mean you put one foot on the footboard , hold onto a rod and hang on for dear life !

GUIDE TO
GETTING OFF THE BUS AT THE CORRECT TIME WITH ALL YOUR ORGANS AND VALUABLES INTACT

Follow my lead and do everything that I say. You must realize that your first priority at this point of time is to try and squeeze yourself in the more crowded but relatively less jeopardous interior of the bus. That being said , the correct timing and the ruthless “only me” attitude will definitely give you an edge . here is what u do .

Keep your eyes open for any , I mean even the smallest , movement in front of the door. Most probably its someone who is stuck inside and wants to get out at the next stop. Don’t try anything funny while the bus is still moving. Wait for the stop to come. Now, wait for everyone to get off the footboard. In spite of hearing shouts like “ get off the footboard; gate er saamne bhir keno koren” etc, don’t get off the footboard.. at any cost.

As soon as the people get off, its time for us to switch into action. Dash … literally dash inside the interior. I know its dark , sweaty and smells bad , but trust me u cant break a jaw here. And you know the funniest part ? if you are careful enough , u can actually find yourself in a position where holding onto a rod isn’t necessary because you are packed there. So u can enjoy “suspended animation” as well as how a solid molecule feels!

The interior is dark , so its advisable to carry a torch if u suffer from night sickness.

The interior is full of a strange mixture of perfume and bad odour and bad breath. It is advised u carry some smelling salts , just in case u need it. You will also probably end up with a headache due to the scarcity of ventilation ( what happens to me) , u either need to walk for 15 minutes after u get off , or carry a saridon to get rid of the inevitable head ache. I prefer walking . I don’t like drugs. It is also advisable to carry a towel . even if u come from Namibia , trust me this heat is something u have never ever experienced ( and most probably wont again if not you are stuck with something .. your job or studies )

Lets talk of your valuables and their safe guarding. Mobiles and purses are the usual forte. This guide does not cover diamond rings …( ride a car u rich diamond ring wearing individual)…. Out of context.

Important: checking that your valuables are there all the time is not only your fundamental right , but also a necessary step u should take to prevent any loss. If your cell rings inside the bus, just let it ring. You don’t want to flaunt your costly cell in front of the finger smiths in the bus

Ohh ! look ! you are nearing your destination ! its really the standing rule that you must start moving towards the exit when you are about two stops from your destination. It must be mentioned that don’t take the rule for granted. If you are somewhere right inside the bus , three stops is a better option.

Technique : use your ELBOW. Push , shove, balance .. do everything with your elbow. Elbows really help… they are fast and they hurt a lot ! you should also start wriggling like a worm when you come near the exit. This is essential if u want to exit with a bag on your shoulders ! otherwise in all probability your bag remains inside and u come outside !

GUIDE TO

ACTUALLY GETTING OFF AND NOT GETTING KILLED

This is the final part. So lets not hurry and waste all our fun . try not to get on the footboard (again!). there is a high chance you will get pushed off the board and die a very painful death. Try not to hurry. Yeah you are late for your job , or school ,or whatever , but your limbs cost more , trust me.

Taxis and auto rickshaws are something you should keep your eyes open even when u sleep ! needless to say look out for them when u get off. They have a tendency to move very fast in places there isn’t any space to move . getting knocked by a auto rickshaw will not earn u any compensation , sympathy from your loved ones , yes , but its not really worth it !

SO NOW , U R READY. Go out there .. and face the world .. make me proud !

p.s. if u think this is just a very lousy piece of writing , or anything else , please comment. :P

Eternal Dreamer

Basically I am the sort of person who works in artistic fervours , it means I work in short time intervals , but I am deeply involved in my work , and I don’t eat , I don’t sleep , I don’t even pee .. when I am really doing something.
When u look up to someone as “ the guy” in some field … in your own eyes , then a few words of encouragement from the same can do wonders. For example , if your maths sir whom u adore , tells u , “ kid u can do something in maths” , then at least I guarantee that u will go back that day and study maths all evening.
So when the poet guy Charbak comes along and tells me that my puny poem is “quite good” … I enter into another of my artistic fervours and write a poem, again.
This one is all about dreams , and their eventualities


I stood on the pavement, and stared at the palace
Nothing but a tattered overcoat. Patched with rags
On my shoulders remained. I had tried hard
And I had failed , losing everything in the process
My belly feels numb: my voice ,stuck with gags
My head is reeling, my mind is racing, I feel nothing
I pass out ……………..

I am back again , in my shanty outside the city
I see my amateur acting laurels on my cot
I can see myself taking my parents blessings
I am going out on a journey , rather a mission
I am resigned to hard and tenacious work, at all times
I am ready to do anything it takes
I will enter the palace , and I will become king!

I see myself journey to the city , alone
I reach it in the dead of the night. Its dark but
I am motivated far more than to fear a lone road
I look for a place to place my head. Tomorrow
I will go to the palace , tomorrow I will start it all
I wake early next day , to find myself robbed . but
I don’t worry. They haven’t taken me , I say.

I stand in front of the palace and look up
I marvel at its high arch, just like in the pictures!
I say to myself while I smile and wonder .
I am a petty sight . red brocade overcoat and no money
I don’t think , I just enter the gates .once inside
I take a good look at my paradise , my dream
I am finally here , no turning back … I think .

My name ? Gary Myers . u want to know ?
My dream ? to be a movie star ..no a starlet
My palace ? the world’s biggest movie studio
My dad ? peasant and trader. All this is
My lunacy ? no its not. At least for me .
My current job? None , except dreaming about
My next job ..that of a star ! a reel deal !

When I am standing at the door and thinking
All this , I don’t see that some people are staring
I remember now to start showing my laurels
Carefully collected and sorted , but they are gone !
Exasperated , I curse the evil soul who has done this
But here come the security of the palace
They are big, burly and have an unforgiving look

I try to run . you are not taking this away too
This is mine. It always was. But they hunt me down
They pick me up , and throw me out …nay toss me out
I fall on the pavement , my nose bleeds
And a pair of teeth get spilled on the sidewalk
I get up . my pride wounded and dreams shattered.
Wait ! I don’t remember getting kicked ……

The fellow is still alive ! heat exhaustion !
I catch snippets of conversations. I open my eyes
And the kicking stops. Are u alright ? someone asks me
I grin … a semi toothed grin… yes sir ! I am
I am helped onto my feet . I see a crowd of people staring
Some are taking photos … I realize that I have done it !
I am a star ! my dream is realized ! I am beyond happiness.

( next day )

I stood on the pavement , and stared at the palace
Nothing but a tattered overcoat . patched with rags
On my shoulders remained. I had tried hard
And I had failed , losing everything in the process
My belly feels numb: my voice ,stuck with gags
My head is reeling , my mind is racing , I feel nothing
I pass out …………….. Again !


acidVox 5/07/08

Real reeling

So last time around I told you all about the happiest feelings of life : kochi prem

Today I will speak of the most painful feeling of life( according to me). No , its not when your new love breaks , its rather more complicated.

Actually due to some reasons , which I don’t want to be asked, last night I felt this particular feeling. U know ? when you are so sad that you want to cry like hell and damn it ! your tears don’t come out !

It hurts man ! its like someone put some air in between your throat and your chest , and he started to pump it in , increasing that pressure , going on and on till u reaaly feel hurt badly. And do you know the shi**y part about this ? u still cant cry !

Coming back to me, I don’t know if you are not comfortable with a guy accepting the fact that he was ready to cry ! but I am like that. U think I am a wimp ? let me know .

So what does acidVox do ? he is not going to lie there and cry all day ( I mean night !).

I get up. Drink a lot of water ( a lot means around a litre !) and I start pacing up and down in the dark room. My mind is in hyper-crap-thinking mode. But I rationalize and reach certain conclusions. I remember saying this in rimz’s blog ( or maybe mine). It is important how fast we can cool down and take control of our minds, because the longer we take to do so, the more trouble we a re liable to land into.

As usual I needed music. But its around 1 am in the morning! I cant switch on the computer. So I trust my mp3 player. And what do u expect? Scorpions. Aomi are u listening ?? I mean god is so cruel ! Sometimes. All I need that time is some death metal Slayer , Pantera ,Purple revolver anything to rack my brains up and make me dizzy , and what does my mp3 player have for me ? Scorpions and their usual genre of songs ( still loving u , leaving u …. Etc)

I mean “sh*t” . the topic I want to avoid … they just make it coming back again.

Trust me , when u have the feelings as I described and your earphones blare out a sad song which has “ still loving u” as its theme , I don’t care if u are Sly Stallone , you are going to weep, unless of course you are deaf ! so obviously acidVox does the inevitable. I cry like a baby!

Ha ha …. Me .. yes I weep at night. So think dudettes and dudes what kind of individual’s blog are u reading ! haha … guess I am a real time guy !

I wanted to say many more things, I know u r not going to be satisfied with so little information. But I don’t know why , but hiding information is something in vogue these days. Haute couture ….. if I remember French correctly ! so ill just play my part!

If u have ever felt this kind of feeling, can u (if u want to) share it with me? Comments are welcome, as always.

As for me .. I will just do a blog surfing while listening to Cannibal Corpse! Death metal and ferluci .. I accept your sovereignty over me !

Kochi prem( new love)

This is a poem I wrote just now. Its purpose is to fill up my blog with comments of how bad I am at writing poems. There are 32 lines (my failed attempt to make it a sonnet !) its all about feelings and real emotions we feel when we really fall in love, not the showy “look-i-got-a-gf” kind of love, but the real deal. Don’t like crap at the beginning? Ok I’ll just shut up.





When your thoughts wander
And your heart skips a beat
When your ears stand out
In spite of the heat
When your head reels
And your doubts are resolved
Bliss! u say to yourself
Not knowing what it is.
Ur cell needs a recharge
Ur pocket too
But all u want to do
Is talk the night through
your mind is in “ happy “ mode
And u feel like god
Before even thinking
That u r mortal

u feel omnipotent
and everything is in control
at least in your dreams
woven with mirth’s strings
u write poems just to see
and convince yourself
that all this is free’
how foolish art thou !
to feel like this
not knowing when to strike
and when to relent
control ? it’s a forgotten word
topsy turvy is your world
yourself , are at bliss
on top of the topsy turvy world
At no cost will u miss.

History

Don’t be afraid. I am not going to start give a description of how Kolkata was born .If u have been reading my blog, its no secret. I am a geek , simple minded , down to earth , truth-up-your-face kind of a geek. Lets not rumble anymore , its time to thunder.

In my last history exam I got 94 ( as if u didn’t guess that !). i don’t know any dialogues with the word history: though “ sundor thobratar history baniye debo “ sounds pretty good.

What I am going to do is dig up the past. Dig up my puny, mundane and ordinary life. Which I had recorded now and then in the pages of my diary. I will just give an account of some pieces which touch my heart and seem important to me. I will also add a few side notes for everyone to understand.

3rd june 2002

I have decided to write a diary. To protect its privacy I will write it in Greek.
That is all I have to say.

I was actually a kid that time. How I managed to concoct this plan I don’t know. (I actually used greek alphabets and a English language) Maybe I was trying to become da Vinci or something.

13th September 2003

Last night my grandmother passed away. She was a cancer patient. I wept bad, very bad. I will miss u! Love, grandson

No comments

3rd June 2004

I destroyed my mom’s simcard. I got whacked by a shoe when she came back.

What i did was that I locked the PIN of the sim. Then I forgot the damn number and punched in wrong combinations. So the sim somehow entered “AUTO MELTDOWN” or something. I remember throwing my mom’s shoes in the drain that night!

16th July 2004

Today was inter-house quiz. P4 wasn’t there. So we managed to come in 2nd. But we all love it. Everybody got a fair chance.

P4 : problem child 4 , just a funny name I gave to a classmate who was immensely talented and I couldn’t stand at all. (Still can’t!)

31st march 2005

Enough for plane designs , and co-curricular activities. I am now in class eleven. Here starts the real journey called life. I am aware that my actions hereon will determine the path my career will take. No more intelligence, “ faanki” . only long and diligent study is what I need to do. I will forget television and movies. I will study.


Just some high end crap from some low end kid! Seriously “forget television “?? Get real mini-me.. That is not possible! ha ha !

3rd April 2006

Today in the morning thammaa went for an xray. She has fractured something. But I am diptya.. and I make the rules around here. Mom says dad has no mediclaim. Loads of money will be spent on thamma s care only. MY DAD CANT AFFORD A PRIVATE COLLEGE. I have to get a chance in the government college. And I will study, keeping in mind that many have succeeded achieving greater goals in much more challenging situations. Aami porbo aar ami jitbo.

No fun here guys! I was serious and I really did think all this. Note for anyone who thinks iam not brave… it takes balls to actually mean something like that and start life from the next day with just 1 goal in mind ! to speak lightly … did shahrukh steal the last line and made it korbo lorbo jitbo rey ?? I must sue him !


19th April 2007

U know I have made so many promises in my diary to u .today I am thinking why I wasted two years of my life? Why didn’t I study like a fool ? in one way its cool. Now I am thinking that ill study from home and go to BESU or JU and study electronics.

For the record wbjee date for 2007 was 21st april. So this entry is 2 days ahead of the exam and I sound so damn confident of success. I don’t know…but I sound relaxed. He he … relaxed and decided what to do after my exams just before it …. Not many can do that I guess !! 21st may 2007

Yesterday was the turning point of my life ! I did it ! I have entered JU. World … look out .. here I come !!!

Crappy sounds of joy ..

Still with me ? wow ! if u read so much and are not bored please encourage or discourage me on what u would like to hear besides puny incidents of my pathetic life ! in other words … comment please.