It was nearing dusk, and she was solitary in the long corridor of her college building.
She kept thinking why was she alone !! it wasn't that she disliked company but just at that moment she felt crazily alone she looked in the gathering dusk and decided that she was alone.
A bit more reflection in her own head made it very clear , the fact that she had been always alone.. even though apparently she wasn't.
had she been trying to fool herself she loved her friends but somewhere down the line she had known it all along that she didn't really belong to them.
" Fit in " .. that's what she always tried , graciously she achieved her purpose, but a void remained , she longed someone like her own, who could get everything she was made of.
Indecision was something she was always averse from , because she always looked upon herself as someone who could actually set clear goals and work consistently towards them. She would suck up a little then and now but on the whole she was almost never in a situation like this particular juncture in her life. Perhaps the situation in her mind and her soul was amplified to the extent where the entire surroundings and nature around her aligned themselves , as if they had a spirit of their own , to reflect herself.
She let her hair down. She remembered the time she used to keep long hair, it was a long time ago. Parameters had changed since then , now she was no longer a girl , no longer a kid, she was a woman now. Who wanted purpose, who wanted to see her reflection , and not be dazed.
A voice in the distance.
She turns around, but there is no one there. A figment of her imagination, she says to herself. A stupid figment of her imagination. She had been waiting for this voice for quite a long time. A voice that would resound with her own. Reverberate so that her own would sound louder and clearer. A voice that could get her. A voice that would similar to her own . An unforced voice, which did not take effort on the throat and on the mind. A voice which itself " fits in ".
Voids are created in our minds by our minds. She muses to herself. And she creates another void at the same time. In her heart. That of unfulfilment. That of the voice actually not being there.
Then as the sun slowly sinks below the horizon, she starts to trudge her way home.
A long narrow road outside her college. dusty when windy , and not-so-clean all the time. A heavy over sized bag on her shoulders. She walking in a straight line. She turns around. A dark silhouette in the distance , approaching . " Stupid imaginations stop bothering me ... " she cries.
Tears build up in her eyes. She starts to run. She can hear footsteps . But they don't seem her own. A light hand touches her shoulder. A hand she had never felt before. A hand that made her " feel " for the very first time. She stops. She turns around. She looks up. t is HE...........................
i know not why the protagonist of most of my ramblings happens to be feminine in form . it maybe because perhaps the strongest people i know are women. readers opine that i am better at writing unlinked aberrant ramblings. in the present i attempt to do the same.
the chastity of a woman. the love of one. they are interlinked. if a woman can, she can place someone in her mind and her heart, devote her entire soul into the same. she can spend years waiting for the person she is in love with. no form of mortal suffering, no form of desire is strong enough to deprive her of that, her chastity remains untouched and pure.now that is power. raw brute power which you know you must bow down to.
yes, you are correct, i am reading SRIKANTA by SARATCHANDRA. the translator's note was that this was a nineteenth century novel. even in this day, at this present moment, i can find meaning and realisation in the same.
the realisation , that i am a coward and a low puny human. anyone waiting for me for " a year or so .." if you still are , please don't. i am not worthy of such devotion. i will run away. i have always ran away. this makes me what i am today. a coward. nothing else.
UPDATES:
i have had a long overdue haircut.
i might start a new blog.
i am currently throwing away my pseudoisms
A crescent, green and holy
Dark irons emerge from its nerve
Pierce through a virgin heart
Red. Gushing and frothing arise
And flow in the slope
White rats scurry in haste
Black ants , hither and thither
Run, but to no avail
Darkness spares no-one there
Death by drowning is cruel.
Snubbing off life for reasons
Beyond comprehension is , a sin
No i don’t blame u mortal
I blame HE who does so
Ensnare you ,blind your logic
Curse HIM. No kill HIM
Wait. HE cant be killed
Then put HIM in our hell
Yes , do it right now
Take HIM to trial !!!
She:
Hello..
Hello ? …..
…………
hello ?
He:
Hello
She:
Yes , hello ?.....
He:
Get the form for the exam …
She hears :
“ get the …”
<< DISCONNECTED >>
17 seconds
Sometimes changing your sim helps. You get to hear something you wanted to hear for a long time. Her voice.
But there isn’t a long past here. No strong emotions. Nothing. The last year of my life , incidentally , the first of my college life, has been a year of half risings. Of upstarts. Of beginnings. But they don’t bloom. They get snubbed before they even show promise.