Only those who have gone down the rabbit hole have the courage to hold themselves up in front of mirrors.
At the end of the day , when everyone has gone to sleep but you are still wide awake and you stare blankly , u cannot run away. You have to stand in your own mirror and judge , the small things which nobody saw but you did.
You try to justify your actions and you put forward ridiculous claims “others were there” or “I am just a kid I cant do that” or anything which apparently makes u feel guilt free even though you are at fault.
At this exact time u learn to introspect and realise what your actions really meant to do. Why did u do that ? U come to know of it . And the problem is , the truth is often not a very pleasant thing.
You didn’t want to help the old man, you just got up to show the pretty girl on the opposite bench how civic you are!!
Even though you thought you are doing a good deed , now when u think about it , you have actually succumbed to material desires , you have just tried to impress some one , in order to make that person like you. Respect is not such a cheap thing that u can just earn it in a matter of moments. Mutual respect is an even arduous task to achieve.
But useless self criticising is not going to help. All you ever wanted was that someone to truly love you. And now when the rain starts falling and boundaries are breaking you really do not know what to do but submit to whatever your lust speaks. Love or lust ? you keep pondering in your self created mirror in a dark room at two in the morning. But does the reflection give you a clue ? is there a clear reflection ? is there a reflection ? at all ??
Its easy to say “I think its love” , but its easier to say “I think I am in lust”. Lust for what ? is the next question . Physical, material needs ? Do not underestimate your lust. The human body is not the final frontier of your lust. What you have is a lust for LIFE.
For life ?? Lust for life ? What does that mean ? I know you have questions. Do not worry you just haven’t thought enough so you have questions. You love this life of yours. You love the people around you . Even though u think you want the world to part and u get into the crevice , you will run away from an earthquake . you want to live . you want to enjoy. Don’t think about refined thoughts , leave them for forsaken individuals. You are still not forsaken. At least I am there for you !
Start breathing slowly . but deeply. Do it ! Take 3 deep breaths.
Close your eyes now. Drown in the lust . in your own lust. Let it ensnare your senses . feel it around u like the invisible ether … I am doing that too….