Curiosity killed the cat. And Diptyajit as well. Sometimes truth is so harsh, you want to turn back and can’t fathom it. Have a difficult time accepting it. But now you must decide. Between restraints of your emotions amounting to withdrawal in your shell as you have done in the past. And actually facing it for the first time in your life, knowing fully well the associated perils and anguish its likely to incite. You must contemplate between forgetting your own words including pretending nothing happened. And on the contrary, actually backing up your words with actions. Spend a real “sleepless night”. Thinking, weighing, deciding and facing your fears.
Uncertainity is probably what drives the curious soul. Uncertainity in electronic circuits, uncertainity in flying a helicopter, uncertainity of actually getting what you want. Drives your curiousity to the brink of an important decision. One that you must make with significant influence on your present and the future. It’s easy to “ not be bothered about the past”. Difficult to face it when it stares you down the eye.
There are really just two choices. One to finally learn and be an important person. One to refer to being important during sporadic conversations. The latter involving slow withdrawal, be it against your will to a state where you enquire about well being and studies. Being reduced to someone who only met you in university , or travelled with in a bus. Or a train. The former involving much more. Much more than just be worried about a chipped toe nail or a cold, which one catches while biking on a high cold wind. Much more than choosing electives for courses and being entwined with memories involving rain, inception, spring rolls, Deutschland and random conversations encompassing every thought and issue on the planet.
Four hours staring at the fan on the ceiling. A cup of tea. Pacing up and down the balcony, oblivious to the sounds created by urban chaos. Drowned in thought and decision. Finally sits down on the computer to write and vent out all what he’s been thinking. Decides to actually be there. Actually. Decides that he has to do this. Not by duty or by force, just has to. Has made the one feel again. Has made the one feel alive again. Invigorated the one with the one’s life, the one’s goals, the one’s preferences. The same things without which the one cannot be whole again. He will not back down. He will face his own fears , and the one’s as well.
Wears the sacred thread he was endowed with. Remembers rituals he was taught long ago. Worships the sun, and powers beyond his comprehension. Asks for strength for the times to come. Even though he is sure he has it. Reassures himself. Reassures the one. Will plunge now. Go deeper as ever.
Batten down the hatches! Sound the retreat. Here comes the cavalry !!
“ All in the valley of death .. rode the six hundred”