Sunday, June 29, 2008

That shit*y feeling

I return from the café feeling like sh#t . in the café I had been browsing through blogs . u know …not people like me who blog for “ hey look at me !! “ kind of attention , not people like me who blog to prepare for enhancing writing skills required to give exams. I go through these blogs of incredible people. I don’t care what they look like in real life , their mentality is so standard, their thoughts are so impregnated with truth and feelings and emotions.

I go through rhea silvia s blog , I go through zephyr s blog , I fiddle with the blog of people who are my age , and who blog just for the sake of it. And I feel like sh#t , when I realize I am just not good enough. No I am not , I can post weird “ awesome man !” kind of comments in anonymous tag : but in reality nobody thinks I am that. My friends , A and M tell me that I write good , P congratulates me when I call her up at night , but I understand that I am simply second rate . Accepting that has been my problem all my life. “You are not good enough!” the most dreaded words for me. And what have I done all my life when people have said it ? I have worked harder and literally melted my a$$ , not ate , not slept , forgotten where I am , what I am … and I have simply worked to become good enough for them who thought I wasn’t .

I return home and call P . She gives me news that makes me feel even more like sh*t . It turns out that her mother has scolded her, and that too because of my irrationality.. my idiotic messages on a certain social networking site. Poor poor P ! she gets scolded by her mom , and her exams are near … and I am causing all this diversion to her already overloaded mind . Forgive me P . I am really sorry.

I have lunch. I stop feeling like sh*t . After all, we are talking of ‘ robibarer mansho bhaat” , if u are not a middle class bengo , u wouldn’t understand. Its not the elixir of life, but when u wait and wait for an entire week for something this good … it rids u of all your sorrow and delusions.

I guess I have changed with my surroundings, adapted and rationalized and perfected. New ideas like “lyaadh” and “ daabi” u know typical JU stuff have become important. But now I am thinking of some other changes. Changes like me shouting at my mom. Like me talking to my dad in a way I wasn’t used to. Am I just plain and simple weird or are there dudes and dudettes like me who sometimes feel like sh*t , sometimes shout at their parents and sometimes stay awake at the dead of the night talking to people whom we feel understand us ?

I know this is not . but if u have managed to come to the end of this delirious random abstract piece of my mind , then it is my plea ( I beg u !) , to let me know … are u able to identify with me .. a little bit ? Even a tiny bit?? Let me know …comments are invited.


Rhea Silvia said...

hello. whay, exactly, d'you mean by their mentality is so standard?

Also, you write pretty well.

Rhea Silvia said...

*what, not whay. Sorry, 'bout that.

acidVox said...

i mean " pregnant with clear thought and rich in undiluted human emotions " ; i mean " without the " i am a pretender "outlook.

if i wasnt supposed to mention ur name , or zephyrs for that matter , please let me know. i dont know the rules of social conduct , if u dont want it , please let me know. i will edit the post

rimz said...

i too do feel, my mental condition do very often matches wid urs.
Frustation may b d term of being sick n sad for not getting the long-desired thing or person.
But in present youths' mind frustration arrives AFTER loosing d much desired thing, they got~~ I feel so.At least in my lyf this thing happens.And i feel this is quiet very common these days.
Wat i do in such occasions, just give my self lot of time, pamper myself, indulge in alot of music, love to remain in books(mainly fictitous n adventureous) n magazines on areas of my interests.
i dont feel like talkin to anyone, and just keep as aloof as possible frm d world.Some time dis may b taken by parents in some other sense n make dem worry abt me..
But aftr all 1 cant deny , we ourselves are our masters n shud control our mind too .
We shud let our mind calm down, otherwise ur "Sh***y" behavious wid ppl around is quiet obvious.
So i talk less n interact less wid ppl until n unless m out of that type of feeling.

acidVox said...

i also did the same , talked less and interacted less wid ppl ... when my mind was still hot i wrote this entry . but when it colled down , i could talk freely wid my parents.

as far as they worrying for us , u acnt really blame them rimz , they r parents aftr all !!

thanks for letting me know that i am not alone in my world , and that such worlds exist in others minds too.

rimz said...

u r welcome.
Obviously parents r n wil b parents.
N dey hve d rite to kno wats wrong wid us.
N evrything definitely becomes alrite wen our temper cools down.

acidVox said...

if i there would be a prize for mistyping i would win hands down ! sorry for the mistakes

amrita said...

am in league wid u ..completely....gone all crappy wid parents....but now i have learnt to conteol it...u will too..give urself a lil time to get used to it.....