I return from the café feeling like sh#t . in the café I had been browsing through blogs . u know …not people like me who blog for “ hey look at me !! “ kind of attention , not people like me who blog to prepare for enhancing writing skills required to give exams. I go through these blogs of incredible people. I don’t care what they look like in real life , their mentality is so standard, their thoughts are so impregnated with truth and feelings and emotions.
I go through rhea silvia s blog , I go through zephyr s blog , I fiddle with the blog of people who are my age , and who blog just for the sake of it. And I feel like sh#t , when I realize I am just not good enough. No I am not , I can post weird “ awesome man !” kind of comments in anonymous tag : but in reality nobody thinks I am that. My friends , A and M tell me that I write good , P congratulates me when I call her up at night , but I understand that I am simply second rate . Accepting that has been my problem all my life. “You are not good enough!” the most dreaded words for me. And what have I done all my life when people have said it ? I have worked harder and literally melted my a$$ , not ate , not slept , forgotten where I am , what I am … and I have simply worked to become good enough for them who thought I wasn’t .
I return home and call P . She gives me news that makes me feel even more like sh*t . It turns out that her mother has scolded her, and that too because of my irrationality.. my idiotic messages on a certain social networking site. Poor poor P ! she gets scolded by her mom , and her exams are near … and I am causing all this diversion to her already overloaded mind . Forgive me P . I am really sorry.
I have lunch. I stop feeling like sh*t . After all, we are talking of ‘ robibarer mansho bhaat” , if u are not a middle class bengo , u wouldn’t understand. Its not the elixir of life, but when u wait and wait for an entire week for something this good … it rids u of all your sorrow and delusions.
I guess I have changed with my surroundings, adapted and rationalized and perfected. New ideas like “lyaadh” and “ daabi” u know typical JU stuff have become important. But now I am thinking of some other changes. Changes like me shouting at my mom. Like me talking to my dad in a way I wasn’t used to. Am I just plain and simple weird or are there dudes and dudettes like me who sometimes feel like sh*t , sometimes shout at their parents and sometimes stay awake at the dead of the night talking to people whom we feel understand us ?
I know this is not answers.com . but if u have managed to come to the end of this delirious random abstract piece of my mind , then it is my plea ( I beg u !) , to let me know … are u able to identify with me .. a little bit ? Even a tiny bit?? Let me know …comments are invited.